Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
