We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize
