I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
