Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
