Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
