but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
