Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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