i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
