So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
