New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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