I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
