Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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