Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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