Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
