When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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