Apparently you make a good broom.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she told me i tasted like america
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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