I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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