so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
