I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
