I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
