just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
