he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
