I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
