I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
