remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
