apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
