Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
