take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
