it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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