I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
