I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
