I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
