In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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