I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
