So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
