She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
