You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
