That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
