the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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