; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
