Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
