I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
