The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
