Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't want my vagina anymore.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
