I think i peed on brittanys purse
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
