My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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