barbara walters just said penis...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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