Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
