I accidentally had phone sex last night
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
