So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you never un-have a 4some
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
