Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
